Yogi Bhajan brought White Tantric Yoga into form and created 126 of these video-taped workshops before his passing in 2004. White Tantric Yoga is done in pairs, preferably male-female, because they hold the masculine/feminine polarity and in a large group. People are lined up shoulder to shoulder in long lines facing their partner. There is a facilitator and the group watches Yogi Bhajan on video as he teaches and guides the class. This is about a 9.5-hour class with a lunch break. The class consists of generally 31 or 62 minute meditations in which you hold a position for that length of time, take and break and then do another 31 or 62 minute meditation.
I participated in my first White Tantric Yoga workshop yesterday, November 2nd. This is a requirement for my Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training. The class yesterday went like this: in the morning we did two 31-minute meditations and then a 22-minute one, with a 20-minute break in between each. After lunch we did two 31-minute meditations, a 62-minute one and then an 18-minute one. Almost all of the meditations had us holding our arms straight out in front of ourselves and holding onto our partner in some way. Most of them were also with eye-gazing, staring into the eyes of our partner. Some of them had us chanting mantras the whole time as well. Sometimes we did a particular breathing technique. The group energy is supposed to be a catalyst to increase the power of the yoga meditations.
The purpose of White Tantric Yoga is to clear out the accumulation of a lifetime of subconscious debris such as painful emotions and burdensome thoughts. By holding the positions, mudras, breathing, chanting, etc. for all that time, you are moving through your blocks. When pain in the body arises, and you push through it, you are clearing out what the subconscious mind and body has been holding inside it for so long.
This event is also happening at an energetically powerful time with the current astrological alignments and today's new moon total solar eclipse. It is a time of re-birth and huge awakenings. The affect of this new moon solar eclipse is supposed to last for two years, so it's a big one!
This picture shows one the the positions we held for 31 minutes.
So, when I was holding my arms out in front of me "all day" yesterday, I had pretty continuous burning pain in the muscles in my back at the level of my shoulder blades. My partner, a beautiful woman from Denmark with stunning blue eyes, which I had the pleasure of staring into all day, pointed out to me that my pain was in my heart chakra. That had not occurred to me, but she was right. I told her, "Yes, that makes perfect sense. I have a lifetime of heart-break that I need to heal. I need to heal my heart." I was not thinking of anything specific when those words came out, I just knew I had had a lifetime of heart-break. I had been having an issue with my second rib on the left side getting out of alignment, which literally crosses over the heart. It protects the heart. It had been bothersome for a few months. I knew it had to do with my heart chakra and my literal heart that had carried so much pain in my life. I never considered the back side of my heart chakra as having any issues, but of course, the chakra encompasses that entire area of the body.
As I was holding the positions during the workshop, I would breathe through the pain in my back. I would focus my mind on the music that was playing, or on the mantra I was chanting, my breathing, or even on the pain itself. My mind would move from one of these to the other as I tried my hardest not to drop the position. They say that if you can stay with it and keep going, you can pass through the pain. The pain will pass and you will have broken through your block. I had never been able to do that in any of my Kundalini Yoga classes. I would always get to a point of intense muscular pain and have to stop, recover for a few seconds and then start again. I could never just breathe through it and experience the pain passing as my teacher kept telling us would happen. Until yesterday! The pain would arise, I would breathe through it and literally feel it disappear. This would not happen rapidly and for most of the time I did experience the pain, but there were several times when it did go away completely. And then it would come back. Perhaps more layers of it were coming to the surface as one cleared out. I knew that this muscular pain was really emotional pain that was stored in the body. I knew that if I could move through it, I would be releasing something, I just didn't know what.
Nothing came up for me during the workshop, or last night. Then, today I was on the phone with a friend. Her father recently passed away and she has been spending time with her mother. She told me of the closeness, bonding and fun they had been having together. She was telling her mother how grateful she is to have a loving mother like her. She explained to her mother what had happened when my father passed away and I was suffering from severe adrenal fatigue. I was living with my mother as I had come home to take care of my dying father. Then, I collapsed into bed for 6 months, extremely ill, fighting for my life. My mother was verbally and emotionally abusive to me the whole time, regularly yelling at me to go live on the street while I lay in bed sick. My mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and was abusive my whole life. I stopped talking to her 5 years ago. When my friend told this to her mother, her mother cried out of compassion for me, saying how she felt so sorry for me. This is a woman I don't know. When I heard this, I started sobbing. It hit directly into my heart pain. For this mother-figure to feel compassion for me and to express emotion, crying for me, was something that I had never felt growing up. True caring from a "mother". This was the catalyst that sent me into sobbing and realizing what that heart chakra pain in my back was. This was it - my grief of not having a loving mother in this life. I cried and cried. I cried until my head hurt. There was a lot of pain in there. Waves of grief would come up throughout the day and I would cry some more. I was literally tapping into the little girl I had been while growing up, who never expressed her sadness.
I almost never cried as a child. In addition to having an emotionally abusive mother, I also had a completely emotionally-unavailable father. I suppose the environment at home when I was a kid did not allow for the expression of emotion. I remember when a friend of mine died when I was 10, I was stunned and sad, but unable to cry. I was jealous of my friend who cried for 2 hours when she heard the news. I knew that was an important release, but was not able to tap into my emotions to cry. I remember so many times when it would have been natural to cry and I just didn't. I didn't cry at 10 when my dog died right in front of my house. I went to look at her laying there on the grass after having been hit by a car and I felt numb. When I was at my grandfather's funeral when I was 10 (yeah, 10 was kind of a big year!), my cousin, who was crying a lot, got angry and yelled at my brother, sister and I, because none of us were crying. She said that we would never see him again and how could we not be crying? I noticed then that none of us were able to feel or express our emotions in any real or tangible way. I remember being envious of her, too, being able to openly express her emotions and cry. I knew that was healthy and that my siblings and I were repressing our emotions and unable to access them to release them. It must not have been safe for us to cry or express ourselves at home. My mother was very volatile and angry a lot of the time. I think she just scared us into silence. I silenced my voice, my power and my emotions. None of those had any validity in my home. I held in my emotions my entire childhood and into my late twenties. I started crying in my late twenties. I am very grateful that I was able to get to that point of healing - crying is healing, because it is a release. All of this to say that I had lots of emotional pain held in my body and mind.
The interesting thing is that my back muscles are not sore today at all. One would think that because those muscles were burning with pain during the yoga, they would be sore today, but it is just the opposite. They feel completely free and loose. It was not physical exertion that caused that pain, it was emotional pain stored in there that caused it. The release of the energy was what allowed it to come to the surface as grief and tears. It is a blessing and a deep healing.
Your soul knows what is coming for you and does all the prep work:
My Two Dreams Leading up to This Event
This past week I had dreams two nights in a row, which are related to all of this. In the first one, there was a young girl who was lost and separated from her mother. Both the mother and daughter were sad, fearful, and in a state of total desperation that they had been separated and could not find each other. I found the girl and reunited her with her mother. When I brought the two together, they were so relieved and overjoyed to have found each other once again. I empathically felt their fear and desperation of having been separated and simultaneously their relief of being reunited. I cried as I was feeling both of their emotions. I was also happy to be able to help them find each other.
When I woke up, I understood the deeper meaning of the larger picture at play - the cosmic playing out of the Divine Feminine (the Divine Mother) having been overpowered by the corrupted/hijacked masculine and the lost, fearful child (humanity) suffering from the loss of the Mother. There is a rejoicing in this reunion! Their reunion in my dream is a good sign of progress as we are now in the time of the reclamation of the Divine Feminine on planet Earth. It is the healed Divine Masculine that brought them together again and the ability to do so represents that the Divine Masculine really has healed. We are now in The Age of Aquarius and we are reclaiming and resurrecting the Divine Feminine as well as the Divine Masculine energies on this planet.
My life always represents the microcosm of the macrocosm. I am in the midst of healing the Divine Masculine and Feminine within me and scenarios are playing out in my life to show me this. Also, as an energetic, vibrational and magnetic healer, I take on the healing of the collective in my energetic field. I heal the karma, genetic lineages, and energetic patterning of those who come into my field as well as for the collective at large (humanity). This is the reason I clear emotions and energies in large chunks; they are not all mine. I am usually aware of this happening, but even so, it is energetically challenging for me as I go through it. So, as I clear the micro, which shows up as "my life", I am also clearing for humanity at the macro level.
The next night, I had another poignant and related dream. In this dream I was at my mother's house, the home where I grew up. My mother and I were in the kitchen and I was turning over some food that was on the stove. She yelled at me for not doing it right. I told her to stop yelling at me. She denied that she had yelled at me. I told her to go look in the mirror in the dining room and yell at me as she had just done and to look at herself while doing it. I told her to ask herself why she treats me like a piece of shit. She did it. In doing this I had hoped she would be able to see clearly how she was acting and not continue to do it from an unconscious repeating pattern as she had always done. I think she could see the reality of her behavior when she did it in front of the mirror. (unconscious destructive patterns becoming conscious of themselves)
Then, we went into the family room and I yelled at her telling her I hated her. I yelled, "I hate you! I HATE you! I really Hate you!" She sat down next to me on the couch. This was totally out of character as she would normally react and go into a rage at me, not come closer. My sister was in the room, observing – it was as if I were speaking for her, too, like she was happy about all I was expressing and glad she didn’t have to do it, because I was doing it all. She was working on some art on a big poster board on the floor (representing the silent child). Masaru Emoto (author of Messages from Water and the Universe and other books on the vibrational affects of words and thoughts on water molecules) was coming over and I suggested that she draw some water droplets with words inside, like love, harmony, etc. There was some message here within the dream about how words affect those around us (i.e, my mothers angry words toward me).
Continuing to speak strongly at my mother, I told her that she never once complimented me my entire life, she always undermined me and criticized me. I told her that she came from a family of fighters, that she, her sisters, mother and aunt all fought, but I am not like that. I shouted, "I AM HERE FOR WORLD SERVICE, FOR LOVE, PEACE, COMPASSION, HEALING, AND LIGHT! I AM HERE TO SERVE HUMANITY! YOU ARE HERE TO FIGHT AND I AM NOT THAT! I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT AND WANT NO PART OF IT! THAT IS YOUR THING BUT NOT MINE!" She realized I was right and said, "I want to change." Oh. My. God. First. Time. Ever.
Then in the dream I was on a boat and near the shore. I dove in and swam to shore. I had to go into a changing room to get out of my wet bathing suit and put on my clothes. I was in a private dressing room when people started coming in. I kept telling them to GET OUT! More people kept coming in and not listening to me. They were all wearing business suits and talking amongst themselves, not paying attention to me. I was yelling at them to get out! Since they were not listening to me, I started throwing their wallets and purses out of the room thinking that they would surely go running after them. It was a challenege. There was a lot of yelling on my part and total resistance on theirs. This dream was about taking back my power, using my voice, and claiming my space and sovereignty. I believe that those people in the business suits represented the corrupted power elite on the planet (hijacked Masculine) who have no regard for humanity. I knew that their wallets and purses were their most prized possessions and that throwing them out of the room would get their attention.
I always say that I cannot see my mother seeing the light in this lifetime. The fact that she said she wanted to change in this dream felt like a sign that the Divine Feminine is reclaiming her power and healing. I was obviously reclaiming both my masculine and feminine aspects of myself in these dreams and marrying the two.
When the release of my grief came up today, there was a heart-opening, which allowed more love and gratitude to flow from me. I already had so much love and gratitude in my heart before this, but by releasing the sadness and the hurt inner-child, even more space opened up inside me to hold more light and love. I know that I chose my mother to be my mother in this life and I am not a victim. I simply held on to my emotional pain so long and now I am releasing it. There is no blame here. I am filled with gratitude for all of my journey and even for having this mother, because I am who I am, a being of light and love, who is here to be that, radiate that and uplift humanity. I have walked the path of so many and people can relate to my struggles. I can be a lighthouse to help show the way to peace, love, forgiveness and healing.
Receiving the Divine Mother's Love
A few months ago, my friend's mother died. Later that week, I was thinking about this loving woman and what a wonderful mother she was to my friend and her sister. I had slept over at their house so many times as a pre-teen and teenager and I really got to see this loving and affectionate mother interact with her two daughters. This type of interaction was foreign to me, but I silently admired it and felt some heart-pain watching it, since it was nothing I knew in my life at home with my own mother. God, my inner child has probably been craving this mother-love my whole life and I just didn't know how to place it. Anyway, as I was thinking about this woman, suddenly she appeared as a HUGE light-being in the sky reaching her hand down to me and showering me with more mother's love than I have ever felt in my life! I sobbed and sobbed as my body and heart took in this deeply penetrating love that was just overwhelming. It felt like in that moment I was being fed with the mother's love I had missed out on my entire life. And it was coming from a high, divine source through this woman. It was powerfully healing. She did it one more time that week and again I was fed by her love, the love of the Divine Mother. It was intense. My entire body heated up - it was a strong energetic experience. I was so filled with gratitude that this woman saw me and gave me what I so needed. I could really feel a mother's love for once. I felt less alone on this planet.
There have been so many karmically healing events leading up to this time that have prepared me for this moment of releasing my broken-hearted pain, healing the soul relationship with my mother, healing my inner-child, and the feminine and masculine aspects of myself. I can see how the many dots are connected in the tapestry of my life. I am opening up more and more to my life mission and stepping out more and more into the world in service. This is more of my preparatory work - healing all aspects of the self. I thank the Creator for this wild and bumpy ride!